Failed Love Realization (Years Later...)

When I was 20, I had an unrequited love for someone for nearly 3 longing years.
I should have seen the writing on the wall much sooner. When we exchanged mix tapes, she had put, "Don't Stand So Close To Me." on it. Lesson: If someone likes you, but doesn't love you -- walk away... Love is Great... settling for anything less is a lonely road.

W

America... the (once) great?

Sometimes I think that America is living off past greatness and trying to have the same results of the past without doing any of the work. Much like an athlete who stops training, but still eats 4,000 calories a day -- is fat and spends its time annoyingly telling in shape athletes how it could still kick their asses (if only it could get off the couch)....

New Music Alert

I am loving the new album "Together" by the New Pornographers.
Very listenable, especially straight through.
Check it out!

The Trouble With Work....

"If you want a job where it's okay to follow the rules, don't be surprised if you get a job where following the rules is all you get to do. if you want a job where the people who work for you do exactly what they're told, don't be surprised if your boss expects precisely the same thing from you. If you want a job where you don't need to be creative because the company's cost structure is so aggressive that customers just materialize, don't be surprised if the low cost structure eventually costs you your job. If you want a job where you get to do more than follow instructions, don't be surprised if you get asked to do things they never taught you in school. If you want a job where you take inteelectual risks all da long, don't be surprised if your insights get you promoted." - Seth Godin, Linchpin.

The more I read Seth's book, the more I become convinced that our current set up for working is broke like a joke. The system favors those at the top who tend to squeeze as much as they can out of us, with the desire of always increasing profits...without thinking about the bigger picture or overall system. We have become a more efficient work force over the last 20 years with the addition of computers to the office and yet, we are working more hours for less pay. How is this possible? Where is job security? What ever happened to loyalty? It just seems this current system results in a reality of "you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't." Sadly, I am not sure how you beat this system --maybe if I finish the final 350 pages of Linchpin, there will be a section on that. But what it seems is... you must follow the Venn diagram above. You must realize your own talent, your own ability to create. You must understand that having a role in your job that is simply worker bee-ish might end up eating your soul and leaving you feeling unfulfilled. I believe I am at that point. and so... once you realize your value, your abilities... you must fight for your rights.... your views...your needs.

So, in my case... I quickly thought about it and this is what I want:

• I want to be able to work from anywhere.
• I want unlimited vacation.
• I want a 30 % raise
• I want to be in a creative roll.
• I want to use my own brilliance to create pieces for the business, that I believe few others can provide.

believe me, there are more -- but for the sake of brevity...let's go with it....

If i really believe this...then I must fight for it. I must do whatever it takes to live this life. Otherwise, what is the point? Why am I doing something the way millions of others do it, if it makes me miserable? If this was the "olden days" -- I get it. You suck it up. Life was hard back then. But this is a new age. There is a lot of money and power out there.... why should it flow upwards (as the system is set up to do)... don't I deserve more?

Don't we all?

Original Thoughts Inspired by Red Wine #2498

I am happy.
happy.

Can you imagine? I love my life....my imperfect, often frustrating, always absurd life.
I am happy.

I am 33.
single.
living in one of the world's greatest cities... and debt free.
I even have savings. Ladies... gold diggers... don't get excited.. it's not much.

and yet, I wonder... is there more?
What about love?
what about a family?
what about settling down?
I cringe.. because that term incorporates the word "settle"...
and this dude does not settle.

and yet...there is a crazy voice in the back of my head....

and it keeps telling me one thing...

I would give it all up... this amazing life... this independence... this freedom... for real love.

does this make me mature? or are my midwestern roots calling me home? or have I just realized that real love is rare... but in San Francisco there are a surplus of thrills.

I am not sure. I am not sure another glass of wine, let alone another bottle of wine can answer this question...

but it is a question.
and it is on my mind.

and so I turn to Bernie Taupin for answers....

I want love, but it's impossible
A man like me, so irresponsible
A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated

I can't love, shot full of holes
Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don't feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart

But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love, that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love

but...I don't think Bernie has any answers for me... so I will just whistle in the dark.

so.. am I really happy? hmmm.....

Religous Tolerance

My dear friend Kristi Reed sent me this today. I loved it. I wanted to share it, because I don't want people to think I am closed minded towards their beliefs....especially with Religion.

Here it is...

"It doesn't really matter what religion anybody believes. If their life is working (and there are many different approaches to life that are working very well) then why not let them believe whatever they want to believe? It's all working in the way that it is supposed to be. There are religions that you wouldn't want anything to do with, that are perfect mechanisms for the people who are involved in them. And therefore, they are a very good thing."

--- Abraham // Excerpted from the workshop in Asheville, NC on Sunday, April 25th, 2004 #424

My thoughts...

I love it. if Religion does indeed work for some people... and if it works well, then they understand it as a personal way to organize themselves and their needs to be the best they can be. They don't seek out the SAME path for other people, but instead wish for others to find such happiness.

There are constant threads in all religions (that main stream world seems to ignore and gloss over... and instead harp on what a sin is...redefined over and over.) But these threads in all religions are about letting go of ego, loving, accepting, and persevering through difficult times.

Willie Nelson said this morning (on howard stern)..."some smoke to get high, some smoke to get normal....I smoke to get normal."

ain't that the truth, Willie!

So... live and let live... as long as those living aren't trying to fuck up the world and control it. The world is not meant to be controlled... it's just meant to be a big bowl of love for us to swim in. I have my shorts and swim cap on... who wants to jump in with me? The water is warm!

Ingredients for Love?

I don't care how cliche it is. I want a best friend. I have often wondered why people say this over and over. What is it about wanting to marry your best friend? What does it even mean? If people really felt this way, Would every guy would turn gay and marry the guy he watches sports with and drinks beer with? If every woman did this -- well... every guy would then stop being gay and turn straight because hot girls would be kissing hot girls all the time.

Have you ever met someone and felt inspired? Have you ever met someone and realized that when you are near them you become happier, smarter, wiser and more in touch with yourself? When they leave, you feel conflicted... because part of you misses them, but part of you is soothed because they never seem to leave you. This is what I am looking for. I know this exists. I knew it existed before I even started a relationship. How do you define this "essence and being" into a quality? You can say "caring and kind", but those are just attributes of an empathetic soul. So.. maybe what I really cherish is Empathy. The ability to look outside of yourself and to want to relate and understand what someone else is going through. Maybe my definition of empathy is fuller than what the true definition is. Maybe I see it through my Pisces eyes. I remember one time in college, I was a freshman - and I was walking down the stairs... and came across a girl I had never met. She was sitting on the stairs sobbing. I walked past her -- and when I did, I could literally feel her pain. So I turned around and I asked her if I could sit next to her. She just nodded through her tears. I put my arm around her... and she lost it...and I hugged this stranger for minutes -- until she could talk. She cried it out -- and then we sat in that stairwell for 2 hours while she just opened up. At the end, she asked me why I stopped if I didn't even know her...and I said the only thing I really knew, "Because if I were hurting that badly I would want someone to do that for me too." She never talked to me again -- she would always avert her eyes. That broke my heart. Not because she didn't take time to ever recognize me again, but because she was so uncomfortable in her vulnerability. When you are around someone who can empathize... I think you look for ways to be united rather than dwelling on your differences.... and I have learned that even within the greatest of love, you will always have differences. You can be nearly aligned in a singular vision -- but find yourself divided by perspective alone. But... empathy can overcome this division. Empathy can leverage compromise as a tool. People often think compromise means one person is losing and the other is winning or that both people are losing... in some way. This is laughable. Compromise is an extension of love. and I define love as this: The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. (I stole that from M Scott Peck and his book : The Road Less Traveled....)


They are out there. The walking dead amongst the living. Spiritual zombies.... they are empty and bankrupt and yet they are existing in the same time as us. I don't know how this works. I don't know how to be like these people, the same way they probably don't have a clue how to be like me. I know these people are not bad people, but they are often disconnected. I have a father who is like this. Despite some brilliant wisdom and some savvy business acumen, he lacks a trait that I find essential for me to have a relationship with -- and that is awareness.

For me... Awareness is the start of the role you want to play in the world. Maybe it ties more closely to empathy than I realized, before writing this. Awareness allows us to look at ourselves and our behaviors and to modify and adjust. Awareness allows us the ability to understand the energy another person has - and the energy the world can offer. It's sad, I spent so much of my life living in hell with my awareness. In the past, I spent my time being so aware of who I was - that I held myself in a victimized mentality. There was a time where I equated awareness with guilt and punishment. I lived in a hell where I only listened to one message, "You are not good enough." I would use my awareness to fuel this belief. However, because of my spirit and my determination... I used this as motivation. I used not being good enough as fuel to always do better.... and it worked in a very limited capacity, but for the most part -- it was just torture. As I got older and away from the life that I had been mislead by, I began to realize that true awareness is a stillness. I used to find comfort in chaos and noise. I was afraid of silence. I liked to be alone, but would fill my life with a static distraction. The idea of quieting my mind and heart was so scary for me. The idea of just being was so impossible for me. I laugh when I read my old screenplays and short stories I wrote from about age 14 to 24. They are the same story over and over. They are the story of an overly aware guy who is always losing... and everyone can see he tries too hard, but because of his determination, he is rewarded with the love of the beautiful female in the story. Most of the humor is self deprecating and my style always teetered on absurdist like Samuel Beckett and Franz Kafka... and humorous Romantic Comedy as done before by Woody Allen. It is amazing that awareness can be as destructive as it can be a way to bond. It isn't the awareness that is the problem, it's what we do with it. I need a partner who understands who she is and what she wants. I need a partner who uses awareness to grow and to help her man grow.

Losing My Religion

I have referred to myself as a spiritual agnostic in the past. I was raised very Catholic and found myself enchanted with the mysticism and lore growing up. After watching Raiders of the Lost Ark, I spent 2 years reading every passage in the bible about the Ark of the Covenant. I had maps of the Holy Land and read every book I could about King Solomon. As I grew older, I found comfort in memorizing scripture. I have read the bible front to back about 3 times in my life. I always found the story of Job amazing because it was about a good man who loved God, but then the devil bets God that if Job’s life wasn’t so blessed -- he would turn on God. When I was first reading this story I loved it because Job lost everything -- and no matter what he still loved God. The devil took away his farm, his friends, his health and then finally killed Job’s wife and family -- but he still loved God. I thought this was the key to everything. When I got older -- I found the story to be sickening. God made a bet and let the devil take away everything good and right in this mans life...just to prove the devil wrong? What kind of God would do this? Most of my transition from a Catholic to an agnostic was due to the absolute inconsistencies in God’s behavior and how he asked humans to live their life. When I was about 18 it really began to click that what I wanted to be true was never going to be true. Religion was just a way to control men. It was not until I turned 25 that I could finally say... .”The Judea/Christian/Muslim Monotheistic belief system is not real”... .form there I began my journey searching for what God meant to me. First off -- I don’t know if there is a God or not. I finally am at a point of knowing that I don’t need a GOD in order to be happy or feel connected. I don’t need an afterlife to feel relevant or give meaning to my life. I hope there is an organizing intelligence behind all of this and I hope our consciousness carries on forever -- as I personally like that idea. However, I don’t need those forms to keep myself feeling organized or structured. On a personal level - and looking back at my life, I now realize that there has always been a connection between myself and the Universe. My life has unfolded exactly how it needed to for me to become the person I wanted to become. At the time, I saw so much of my pain and suffering as punishment... but now I realize that what I asked for myself, what I wanted and what I needed were given to me. Whenever I have stopped growing, the bottom has dropped out from under me and I have found a new path was ahead of me. When I have needed something, the universe has provided it for me. I have empirical proof of this -- and even if it is just my perception...it reveals my need to connect the dots and look for a world where things are connected rather than it just being random and meaningless events. I find great meaning in my life and growth and love are what stand behind my spirituality. When I hear a melody that moves me -- I feel a spirituality. When I meet someone and I can’t stop thinking about her -- or I hang on her words...or I re read her emails to me over and over -- I feel a spiritual connection. When I see the light in my eyes and my smile -- I know that 5 years ago - those were missing (I can prove it in pictures.)... but those pictures that people keep commenting on now -- those pictures capture this spiritual connection I feel to the world, the universe... and in the end... it comes down to one thing for me... Love. God is Love. The universe is Love. The desire to nurture...to grow...to evolve -- it all comes from love. Love seems to transcend so much, because it is a choice for greatness... and we are capable of it -- but it is a choice.... a configuration of the soul.

An original quote & thought

"Everyone is looking for the perfect person to love them for being imperfect" -- David C. Marino II circa 1998.

The worst date of my 30's

Names, faces, locations and details may be changed to protect the innocent, sensitive and awkwardly unaware.

San Francisco is only 7 miles by 7 miles. 49 square miles of absurdity. However, I do not own a car. I find the bus to take too long. Cabs are over priced. Simply put, I tend to date women who live in my neighborhood, have a car, aren't cheap and don't mind traveling 45 minutes to have a date with me. First dates get minimal effort on my part (if you live outside of the Mission), but on the other hand...I always pay for the first date. It's like paying a premium to do less work. I will cover the food and wine, you just come to me. I can feel the collective eye roll of every woman out there.... believe me, it's a good deal.

"Roberta" comes from the world of online dating. I have found women to date both virtually and in real life in San Francisco. The online dating world is easier, but it is also strange, awkward and at times ugly. You see pictures, you read words and you get yourself worked up into a frenzy over potential. Most people are deceptive with their photos or information and by the time you finally sit down with them in person, you find yourself sighing outloud at how different the reality is from the day dream.

Roberta made it clear that she wanted to meet me, while I sat on the fence. The more pictures I saw of her, the less convinced I was that we would be a match. However, they say if you want to sell a boat to someone...pick someone who lives an hour away from the Marina and show it to them 3 times... by the time they have invested that hour long drive and 3 times to visit, they will find it difficult to say no. This is how most of the women I don't want to go out with convince me that I should.

Roberta did not grow up where I grew up. She grew up in a white trash part of this country. When we finally met in person, Roberta opened up with, "Dude, nice to fucking finally meet you... I can't believe what a fucking scam artist you are making me come all the way to your neighborhood." to which I silently said, "oh boy" and let out a deep sigh wondering how long this would last. I tried to interject something, but she just kept going....and going....and going.

and so F bombs flew and I drank wine to cope. I only had 2 glasses --and explained to Roberta that I had an early morning and it didnt make sense to get drunk so late in the evening. Roberta disagreed and announced that she would be having more. I empathized. This was a first date for her too. Maybe she was just nervous. If she wanted a 3rd glass of wine to get through this night, I would gladly pay for that. After all, she did cab it over here for $10.00 -- the least I could do was buy her another over priced $12.00 glass of wine. but Roberta was thirsty... and so, while I had 2 glasses of wine, Roberta had 6.

As we left the restaurant (Roberta hated her food and I had to explain what a pescatarian was) -- Roberta asked if we could stop at a corner store to pick up some more wine for her to drink. I told her that I was done drinking for the night, but she insisted, "Dude, I'm not asking you to drink with me. I just want to buy some wine for me for later when I get home." and so, I indulged her -- and we went to a party store outside my place. She then asked if she could come inside to pee, and then call a cab from my place rather than wait outside for one. I said I would be happy to let her pee and call from my house. This was a foolish mistake. I had been tricked.

Roberta didn't come out with wine... instead she had Champagne. As we were walking through my door, I heard that unforgettable POP -and watched the cork sail over my shoulder and hit the ceiling. Roberta did not intend to drink later. She insisted on drinking now.

She promised to call a cab after one drink.
this was a lie.

She was two drinks in and belligerent.

She looked at me and called me "Steve....." as she would start a tirade against me.

"Steve... listen to me you fucking asshole. You remind me of someone very dear to me, my uncle, who was a total loser in our family... he was pathetic. So deep. So analytical. Well, Steve...that's not me! Ok? That's not me and it's never going to be. I do what I want! and I look at you... and you stop drinking at 2 drinks and you just think you have your whole life figured out. You think that you are better than me, because you don't get wasted on a work night!"

Any rebuttal at this point is pointless. I am being drowned out.

She begins to fiddle with her phone. I ask her what she is doing.
"Setting my alarm for 7 am" ---

I offer to call her a cab, since she is clearly thinking about going to bed and waking up in time for work.

"Steve, You're not putting me in a fucking cab! I am not going to drive back across town and risk getting sea sick! I will literally puke if you put me in a cab."

Calmly, I explain to Roberta that I don't let strangers stay at my house.

"OMG dude, get over yourself -- I'm not going to fuck you. I don't want to fuck you. Your jeans are way too tight...I don't fuck people with jeans that are tight like yours" (note: my jeans were not tight)

I explain to Roberta that this is not about sex, it's about having a stranger in my house while I try to sleep.

This prompts shrieks of "NO!!!!!!!" (i am not touching her or trying to move her...only suggest that I am not comfortable with her spending the night.)

and so we have a stand off.

Every time I try to explain...she begins to scream.
She keeps repeating over and over, "You think I am such a drunk.... well, I am not!" and rushes to the sink to put her head under it as she laps up water of the faucet. Her face is covered in water and her hair is wet and he shirt covered in water as she proudly announces, "See, I drinks the water too, so i am not even drunk!"

but Roberta was awfully drunk
and annoying
and firmly cemented in my living room

and so I say.... "I don't even know what to say"....
and there is silence
deafening silence....
angry, I want to go to bed silence....

and the Roberta let's out a loud fart.... (I will dedicate a post to my irrational fear of passing gas in front of someone you like)
and looks at me
and simply says, "I just farted"

and cringing... I reply, "I know.... good night." because --there is nothing more to say. I can't spend another second in that room and I am confused as to how this all happened...

Roberta... "Wait, don't you want to have sex!?"

Roberta passed out on the couch sooner than later.
I wept in my room until I fell asleep....

The next morning was just as miserable... but too much misery in one blog post is dangerous.

To Brunch or Not To Brunch

On The legitimacy of having brunch two days in a row

But...you say, "Two brunches, back to back? are you insane?"

This is known as Double Brunching... not to be confused with "Two breakfasting" --which is when you have breakfast because you have no one to make brunch plans with, but then after you eat breakfast, you get the call...and you still have brunch, because it is too damned good to turn down. Some people argue that you can just call this "lunch"... These people are correct, if said 2nd meal is at a lunch place, NOT a brunch place. But... since these brunch places are only open on the weekends --- Double Brunching is using the weekend to spend your hard earned money, twice.... and I don't know what if it is awesome or ridiculous, but I feel like a real man when I order the same thing two days in a row... as if to say, "The egg dish I had on Saturday was merely a warm up... bring me the same thing and let's see what real damage we can do"

The Bonnie Raitt Gym Incident

I am exhausted. I literally have doubled my efforts at the gym over the last 2 months with zero affect on the outcome. What used to be a 15 minute set of sprint intervals has become 35 minutes. What used to be an overemphasized work out on my upper body, has been changed to doing cruel squats and wondering at what point I will injure myself. Still, the weight clings to me and I am depressed that I can spend nearly an hour in the gym with little real improvement.

During the cardio portion of my workouts, I am distracted. Distraction in the gym is not a result of attractive women around me. I live in San Francisco. I belong to a rock climbing gym. The last time I saw a drop dead gorgeous woman, she was scaling a wall with ease...and when she turned around at the top, I saw that she had deliberately forgotten to shave her armpits. Upon further examination - I noticed that she had also missed her legs. No, it wasn't a long haired man. It was just a super hot hairy chick. I have learned to not be distracted by this. It's the OCD that kicks in. The minute I start running, I am concerned about when the work out will be over. This is pathetic. My favorite trick is to cover up the count down clock and then guess how far along I am. I usually wait until I feel like I have been running for 10 minutes before I look to see how long I have really been at it..... 3 minutes....5 minutes.... never the 10 minutes.

No wonder I see the world so differently! What is only 3 minutes to everyone else, feels like 10 long minutes. First dates that last 2 hours... feel like they are 5 hours. One date for me is like a super sized date for me. No wonder I am so comfortable kissing on the first date...Don't even get me started about how long a work day feels.

I am drenched in sweat and have been running for 32 real minutes (converted to 90 minutes by my count) and this is the home stretch. I am in a row of 3 other regulars (who use their lunch hour for a work out) and I can only imagine what they are thinking, "This dude has been showing up for months and he is getting fatter!" ...and so I step it up a bit, I go up a level. Let's see what level 11 on a Stair Master feels like! "Paradise City" is winding down on the iPod shuffle and if I go any faster I am going to break the stair master. It's at capacity. I quickly look over and am pretty sure that everyone in my row gave me a nod, thumbs up...and one dude even saluted me... but perhaps he was simply mocking me.

and then it happens....

a jazzy, soulful beat... and the sweet melodic dad rock sounds of Bonnie Raitt.

In full stride, I must now try to go from Paradise City to "Have a Heart" by Bonnie Raitt. I know that I could try to reach for my shuffle and move forward, but -- at this speed, it would be dangerous to try to change songs mid work out. I have learned this lesson from experience...

and so -- it hit me....

I think I am probably the only dude in America at that moment, maybe on that day who is desperately working out for his life to Bonnie Raitt... and how this all could have been avoided if I actually made a "work out play list" --instead of selecting a random fill.... and creating such an awkward workout experience.

Ballyhoo

Main Entry: bal·ly·hoo

Pronunciation: \ˈba-lē-ˌhü\

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural bal·ly·hoos

Etymology: origin unknown

Date: 1901

1 : a noisy attention-getting demonstration or talk
2 : flamboyant, exaggerated, or sensational promotion or publicity
3 : excited commotion

— ballyhoo transitive verb

In The Beginning...

It's 2010 (pronounced twenty ten) and it occurs to me that I have wasted the last decade not having a blog. It almost seems comical that someone as outgoing as Ballyhoo Jack Barron would exist only in the minds of those who dare to dream, rather than putting himself out into the blogosphere. Truthfully, I have heard that much like TV Cameras, a blog can add 10 lbs... and I think that factored into my hesitancy to share my written word.

I suppose I should announce my intentions. I don't want some of you to come here expecting only healthy living tips and fly into a rage when you seem my latest story of a failed romance or explaining why I believe that women do not pass gas (based on a convincing argument my Mother once made.) The point is... this blog was born to shamelessly self promote the idea of self promotion. This blog will make clear what lies in reality, but often gets sanitized by the time it makes it to the public realm. That's not an excuse to be crude or crass, but it could happen -- so you have been warned.

and so... please take out your notebooks and pencils... and let's begin....