Losing My Religion

I have referred to myself as a spiritual agnostic in the past. I was raised very Catholic and found myself enchanted with the mysticism and lore growing up. After watching Raiders of the Lost Ark, I spent 2 years reading every passage in the bible about the Ark of the Covenant. I had maps of the Holy Land and read every book I could about King Solomon. As I grew older, I found comfort in memorizing scripture. I have read the bible front to back about 3 times in my life. I always found the story of Job amazing because it was about a good man who loved God, but then the devil bets God that if Job’s life wasn’t so blessed -- he would turn on God. When I was first reading this story I loved it because Job lost everything -- and no matter what he still loved God. The devil took away his farm, his friends, his health and then finally killed Job’s wife and family -- but he still loved God. I thought this was the key to everything. When I got older -- I found the story to be sickening. God made a bet and let the devil take away everything good and right in this mans life...just to prove the devil wrong? What kind of God would do this? Most of my transition from a Catholic to an agnostic was due to the absolute inconsistencies in God’s behavior and how he asked humans to live their life. When I was about 18 it really began to click that what I wanted to be true was never going to be true. Religion was just a way to control men. It was not until I turned 25 that I could finally say... .”The Judea/Christian/Muslim Monotheistic belief system is not real”... .form there I began my journey searching for what God meant to me. First off -- I don’t know if there is a God or not. I finally am at a point of knowing that I don’t need a GOD in order to be happy or feel connected. I don’t need an afterlife to feel relevant or give meaning to my life. I hope there is an organizing intelligence behind all of this and I hope our consciousness carries on forever -- as I personally like that idea. However, I don’t need those forms to keep myself feeling organized or structured. On a personal level - and looking back at my life, I now realize that there has always been a connection between myself and the Universe. My life has unfolded exactly how it needed to for me to become the person I wanted to become. At the time, I saw so much of my pain and suffering as punishment... but now I realize that what I asked for myself, what I wanted and what I needed were given to me. Whenever I have stopped growing, the bottom has dropped out from under me and I have found a new path was ahead of me. When I have needed something, the universe has provided it for me. I have empirical proof of this -- and even if it is just my perception...it reveals my need to connect the dots and look for a world where things are connected rather than it just being random and meaningless events. I find great meaning in my life and growth and love are what stand behind my spirituality. When I hear a melody that moves me -- I feel a spirituality. When I meet someone and I can’t stop thinking about her -- or I hang on her words...or I re read her emails to me over and over -- I feel a spiritual connection. When I see the light in my eyes and my smile -- I know that 5 years ago - those were missing (I can prove it in pictures.)... but those pictures that people keep commenting on now -- those pictures capture this spiritual connection I feel to the world, the universe... and in the end... it comes down to one thing for me... Love. God is Love. The universe is Love. The desire to nurture...to grow...to evolve -- it all comes from love. Love seems to transcend so much, because it is a choice for greatness... and we are capable of it -- but it is a choice.... a configuration of the soul.